Looking
by dimestoredramatic
Summary: If people only looked, they'd notice there's more than meets the eye with Derek. Mild Derek/Sam.


Disclaimer: Don't own LWD...

AN: I don't really know what this is... It isn't that wonderful, but I wanted to write something. I probably could've made it better, but I didn't want to take the time...

* * *

She calls you selfish, and it hurts, probably more than it should. After all, you're better than her, and nothing she says should have any effect on you.

It shouldn't, but it does.

You want to tell her that you aren't selfish; you're a great person, really. It sounds pathetic, even in your own mind. You've never really had a way with words, and you don't know how you could possibly explain yourself with your limited vocabulary. She thinks there's so little to you, only girls, hockey and T.V., but really there's so much to you, so much that she doesn't know, because she isn't paying attention.

You wish you could explain this, but you really don't know how; you do things by showing, and she just doesn't have the time to waste on watching you. If she did have the time, she'd notice how you interact with Marti. She'd notice how you never let your grades get low enough to fail, and she'd notice how when you look at Sam, your gaze lingers just a little longer than it should.

When people only take the time to look, they can learn a lot; but everyone has always been too busy to watch you.

You learn a lot about Sam, because if there's one person towards whom your gaze is directed ninety-five percent of the time, that person is Sam. You notice that his hair curls slightly towards the ends and you notice the single fleck of green in his hazel eyes. You notice the way his upper teeth pull at his bottom lip when he's thinking and you notice the way he twirls his pencil between his long, graceful fingers. The thing you notice the most about Sam, though, is that he doesn't notice you; he's too busy looking at Casey.

It seems unfair that she should be worthy of his love, when she's the one who accuses you of being selfish. The very fact that you ever let them go out at all proves your utter selflessness, and if only Casey would notice you noticing Sam, she would understand that.

Their relationship never worked, but you think that maybe Sam will always wish it did.

It makes you want to smash your fist into cement, because if only Sam would take the time, he might see you. He looks at you often enough, but he never sees you, the adoration shining in your eyes. If he cared to see you, he'd realize that you're willing to love him with all your heart.

You think that Casey couldn't possibly have realized what she was losing when Sam and her broke up; you don't understand why Sam still loves her, even though she let him get away. He could love you, and you'd never take him for granted, because you'd feel lucky enough just to have him at all.

It's a one in a million shot that he'd ever love you back, and you know that it's always going to be a shot you'll miss. To him, you'll always be just the best friend, and if that's the best you're going to get then you'll take it, because you're hopelessly in love and you just want to be near him. If he's not going to love you back, then you can at least be in his presence as often as possible, because if you're close, you can pretend that he loves you too. You can pretend that this friendly trip to the movies isn't just something like what all friends do; in your mind, you're on a date and in your mind he's kissing you.

He'll never know what goes on in the very centre of your thoughts, and that both relieves and disappoints you. If he could see your thoughts, then maybe he could make sense of them; you know you can't make sense of them and when you're around Sam it's a million times worse. You can't form a coherent sentence, because your mind is focusing on Sam, Sam's hair, Sam's gorgeous eyes, Sam's hand against your shoulder, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam.

You're amazed you haven't broken a couple of ribs, such is the strength of your heartbeat when Sam flashes his lopsided smile in your direction. Everything he does, you take as a possible sign he might like you, but the saddest part is he doesn't even realize he's doing it. To him, you're just another guy, and there's no way anything he says could have an effect on you. He smiles at you? You may feel special, but it's just another smile, one he'd give to any friend and any girlfriend and any person in the world that made him happy for even an instant.

You like to see him smile, but you'd rather that job remain your job alone. During the day, it's a competition, you against the world to see who can get him to smile the most. Nobody else knows there's a competition, it's just you, trying way too hard to make him love you.

You're trying so hard, it's a wonder he doesn't notice. You're glaringly obvious, and he must not see you at all if he can't figure out by now what it means. You always thought your Sam was so smart, and yet here he is, too oblivious to see his best friend is in love with him.

You thought you were the stupid one, and you guess you are stupid, for letting yourself fall in love with him in the first place. But no matter what Casey suggests, you aren't selfish, because if you were selfish, you'd have told him you loved him.

Telling him would make you feel so much better, but you could never put that burden on him. There's no chance of him loving you and you don't want to make things awkward. Sam wouldn't know what to say to you anymore, and you've never wanted to jeopardize your friendship.

You're certain that if it were Casey, she'd tell him how she feels; if she knew, she'd probably encourage you to tell him how you feel. But you're not selfish. Anyone can see that; after all, you wear your heart plainly on your sleeve.

Anyone can see it, but no one is looking.


End file.
